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The immense love of a father

I recently called my father to check on him and my mother, and as I was waiting for him to answer the phone in his deep baritone voice, a memory came flooding back…

The year was 1994, and I was embroiled in a failed marriage with a small child, and feeling hopeless. I was standing in the middle of the penthouse apartment of my soon to be ex-husband looking out at the darkness, and became overwhelmed with sadness. It felt like nothing would ever feel great again- and everywhere I looked around me, people seemed happy and holding hands, while I was soon to be single, and starting all over again.

On an impulse, I called my parents and asked to speak with daddy. The second he said “hello,” I fell completely apart and shared everything with him. I cried so hard, it felt like my heart had broken into a million pieces.

My father quietly listened, told me it would be okay, asked for some pertinent information so he could make some calls, and hung up.

Not 3 days later, he took a flight, and was standing in front of me to survey what was happening to his firstborn child, and went into action.

I was so grateful that he took my baby home with him, so that I could breathe and find solid footing.

What I did not know until some time later was this- my mother said that after speaking with me that fateful night, my father went outside and cried. She said it was the first time she had ever seen him do such a thing.

My father and I never spoke of that night again, but what I came to realize since then, was just how committed he was and continues to be, about his four daughters and four grandchildren.

He prays consistently for us, is filled with good advice at the drop of a dime, and his love for us, knows no boundaries.

As my parents age as gracefully as they can, I am constantly reminded that it is their prayers, that has kept us all safe from harm as we grew up and had families of our own.

I cherish my father while he yet lives- I refuse to be stuck in regret and remorse because I chose being busy over spending quality time with him and mommy.

Here is a solid fact: he is not alone in the exemplary father zone. All around us, are daily examples of men, who gave everything, and made all kinds of sacrifices for their families. It goes unnoticed because it was what society deems that they should be doing anyway.

Why do we need anyone to tell us who we can celebrate and when? During black History month and beyond, find ways to honor the black men in our lives- they need and deserve it.

Our country is in a divisive place, and a small and sincere thank you, an unexpected hug, a favorite meal, or simply to be left alone for a few hours of peace, are all examples of how easy it is to appreciate the men in our lives.

Go forth and make it happen. Their smiles will be worth it.

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This Can’t Be Life…

See this face?

This is the face of a woman, who awakened with a start, looked at her phone, and realized she was getting some weird message to update her payment information, because her icloud something-or other, failed to process.

Not sure how her account is overdrawn, she quickly slips on a pair of grey yoga pants, a red tank top, a pink jacket and then donned orange striped flats to zoom out the door to the bank.

She knows she looks crazy but simply didn’t care. She gets to the bank and in the middle of transferring funds, it dawns on her, she could have done all of this online and she throws up her hands at her foolishness, which draws the attention of the bank manage.

“Whats the matter? You seem out of sorts.”

This woman looks the manager dead in the eyes and says one word-

Menopause.

Thus began a conversation between them both about all the radical changes happening in their bodies.

In the middle of the bank.

This has been my life in recent months and l am only now speaking about it, because, well, it needs to be done.

I assumed menopause would be simply hot flashes and calcium deficiencies.

Oh were it that simple. I am teary for no reason. Feeling overwhelmed and second guessing things l would plow right through.

My body LITERALLY aches like l have been lifting weights non-stop for years. I am easily irritated. Total loss of appetite.

It scared me.

I called my momma, and while l dissolved into tears explaining that l was going crazy, she gently said, it was menopause and began quietly guiding me to speak with my doctor, run some tests and get on a treatment plan that will help me to navigate these unknown waters until the symptoms subside, which could take a while.

Its nice to know l have not totally lost my cotton picking mind. Not yet any way. But this can’t be life forever because the world will not survive with me like this!

But hear me- there are legions of women navigating through their days with not a hair out of place and battling the symptoms that emerge with this new phase of our lives. It is different for each one with some similarities, but have mercy on us, if we do not seen like our normal selves on any given day.

This thing is a beast.

So if you see me out in the streets looking crazy, give me a hug and point me in the right direction. I probably will need it.

Deuces and mad love,

Diva

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Friend, Foe, or Frenemy?

My millennial struck again.

She called filled with concern, that she was growing apart from a friend who she had previously shared common interests and time with, and wanted to know what to do.

She had to ask… so here goes!

Friendships can be full of exhilaration and life! You spend hours on the phone talking about all kinds of things, you see eye to eye about mutual interests and concerns, and you pledge to have each others backs, no matter what. Weeks turns to months which turns to years, and it seems this will be someone who will be around for a lifetime. And it may very well be.

But what if it isn’t? The reality is this- MOST friendships do not last forever because interests shift, growth happens and your friend or you, aren’t always able to adapt or grow at the same pace which creates a chasm of discomfort no matter how hard we try to do otherwise.

When our mommas said that we are blessed to have one, maybe Two good friends, she was not lying. Rare is the person, that can withstand the ebb and flow of life with you into a ripe old age.

The added pressure of knowing what your purpose is and going full steam ahead while your friend is content to float along the river of life, makes for an interesting conversation down the road too.

So here are my two cents worth of advice-

  1. Stay honest first with yourself and then with your friend. When you feel distance happening, have the conversation, not from a place of accusations or guilt. It will be uncomfortable but it must happen.
  2. Don’t fester and make assumptions with forced small talk. A true friend will not want to anchor you with a rope of guilt so they can feel better about sitting sedentary while you have goals.
  3. Cry. Sometimes when the separation comes, it fills you with hurt and a sense of loss. Let the tears flow and keep walking in love.
  4. It could get ugly, because some folks do not know how to use their adult words to express that they are hurt and will instead lash out to make a clean break. That is messy in a way, neither party may soon recover from so see #1 again.
  5. Know that your journey in life will not always have someone by your side and be okay with that too. The wilderness walk is effective in allowing us to become more in touch with ourselves without the well intentioned distractions of opinions.
  6. What you put into the world, will come back to you, so as you grow and change, others will be sent along the path, to meet you where you are in that period
  7. Our job is to never carry the burdens of others who refuse to carry their own. We must rid ourselves of the notion that it is okay to push, pull and tug in an effort to not “leave” folks behind. They have feet. They can either walk with you or stand back.

I hope this helps because Lord knows, it is a journey we must all take, one way or another. How you both handle it, determines if have a friend, foe or frenemy.

Walk in the light-

Deuces and mad love,

Diva

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The Twists and Turns to Womanhood

There l was, enjoying a quiet breakfast this morning, when l got the text from one of my darling millennials who wanted to know how did l embrace my womanhood and what did it take to get there?

I read that text, chuckled and commenced to having a good conversation because she was shocked when l said, l didn’t fully began to walk into all that made me a woman, until l was about 40. Yep. I said it.

The first person l heard saying this statement and l looked incredulously at the television screen when she did, was Camille Cosby. I was all of 27 then, and just KNEW l was a woman, with all the mess l had experienced to that point and what was she even talking about?

But now that l am a half a century old, l have come to understand what she meant and the older l get, the more steeped l have become in being comfortable with who l am with zero apologies.

But to my millennials, it is indeed a journey-one that is fraught with second guessing yourself, making mistakes you swear you will never recover from, worried you will NEVER find the right mate, be a good mother should you so choose to become one, or be successful at anything long term in life.

You will lose friendships you swore would last your entire life, experience heartache that will have you questioning love and feeling fear when you want to feel hope.

So the bad news is that these experiences will shift in and out, one way or another for your entire life.

The good news is that you will be so settled into you are as a woman who knows herself and what she will not tolerate, that you will no longer second guess yourself to death or worry about that which you have no control over.

Someone doesn’t like you? Okay and? Keep it stepping.

That job isn’t working out? Move on in grace and find another.

Folks second or third guessing you on your decision to be an entrepreneur? Thank
Them for sharing and either fail or succeed splendidly for there are lessons to be learned in it all.

The bottom line is this- every molecule that is you, means that you are more than enough. Embrace your warts and all with as much dignity and grace you can muster up. Or not. Because the truth is, you have another moment to get it right.

In the meantime, stop being so hard on yourself and enjoy the journey to fully embracing the woman you will blossom into being.

Love, peace and fish grease,
Muva diva.

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Speak Up Much?

I have a mentee that will periodically text me about a subject matter she wants to see addressed and the second I saw her note this morning, I knew I would be right here writing about it..

Buckle up and hold on…

In recent weeks, I found myself traveling and commiserating with folks from around the country and in usual form, I am open, kind and share my thoughts as needed. Well the one evening, we had to all get in formal wear  for an event and the minute I strolled through the door, my friend saw one of the attendees throwing all kinds of  “shade” my way by rolling her eyes and whispering something to the person next to her.  I didn’t see her because I have learned how to block that kind of negativity from my line of vision.

I knew what her issue was  though.

Name Every -ism women face, and she had me pegged for it. My boldness and bravery made her feel inadequate and she then tried to transfer that feeling to ripping me to shreds with condescension. She didn’t realize that though. She thought she was within her rights to be judgmental.

How do I know this? It is what I am told by women all the time who often try to coach it around offering “advice.”
Aside from this being a total waste of energy and space, it is counterproductive to fall in line with them so they can feel better about themselves.

My response? Maybe if we were not so conditioned as women to “know our places,” not be “overly confident” for fear of being seen as bragging, or being labeled as “bitchy” when we dare to speak up for ourselves, we would see the benefits in speaking up and out.

As a direct result, women often lose sleep about demanding a position they are clearly over qualified for,suffer heartburn at the thought of requesting compensation that befits their value, minimizing the ones who step out on the ledge in an effort to find financial freedom and seeking to destroy the few who dare to do what they won’t.

I can’t even begin to discuss how it messes with personal relationships across the board. We hold on and fester about things we can and should discuss, until it becomes toxic and explodes the wrong way from us.

What do you have to lose but your sanity in trying to fit in to what society deems we should or shouldn’t be? Here are a few things that worked for me in removing the “do as I told” models from my head-

  1. Speak your truth kindly but firmly and do not waver with eye contact. Prep yourself with calming deep breaths.
  2. Trust yourself. No one will trust you more than you. Your gut instincts are there for a reason.
  3. Be okay with not having a ton of fearless people with you as this is often a singular journey of faith.
  4. Celebrate the wins and extract the lessons from the losses.
  5. Keep the naysayers out of your ears. Lord knows they will try too. People who worry about all that could go wrong, never see what could indeed go right.
  6. Find mentors who have already walked the path you are on and heed the advice that feels right to you.
  7. Authenticity is worth more than silver and gold. You may not be appreciated on the moment, but you will be respected long term.
  8. Know when to step up and pull back. Everything doesn’t always have to be a battle.
  9. Collaboration works wonders. No one is an island. Learn to be okay with saying “I was wrong.” Pride goeth before…

All of that and a few more will give you the freedoms and joy to simply BE…
Dueces and mad love.

DivA

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